I arrived at Den's at 9:30 this morning. April right behind me and Diane was already there.

He was sitting in his usual spot on the couch with his legs up on the chair, blanket over him and one propped behind his head.
I got to say he looked much better than I was expecting cause he had a busy day yesterday..

April, Barbara and his grandsons were over during the day and 4 of our brothers as well as his good friend Mark were there last night. 2 other family members arrived later to leave something in his mailbox. He said he didn't expect them but didn't want to turn them away.

He said he was happy to see everyone and commented that he was really glad to be able to see you Mark. I was happy to hear that you 2 got to spend some time together as well.

His grandsons were thrilled with seeing their Papa and getting their usual Papa surprises from him. Kevin hasn't seen him in a couple weeks. April said she prepared them on the way to Den's that Papa isn't well and that he's skinny. She said Kevin did ask..how skinny? But she said when they were there it was like nothing was even wrong.

Den said he told them to climb up on the bed with him which surprised me cause there's times it hurts him just to hug him or touch him.
He smiled a lot this morning as he talked about them.

Barb said he was putting together toys for them and even dropped something and got off the bed with a flashlight to look for it.
He just continues to amaze us!

She also said Den told her yesterday, that he's worried for the boys. She assured him that they will be watched over as well as April. She said it was heartbreaking to watch the 3 of them together.
I can't imagine being in Den's shoes and what must be going through his head!

The nurse visit went extremely well! No increase in any meds! His blood pressure was up...110/68. She said his pulse and oxygen levels were good as well. Diane changed his Fentanyl patch and said to make sure to call this weekend if there are any problems at all. She is the on call nurse for the weekend.
It was also discussed about the arrangements that are needed to help get our brother Pat home for a leave from the Army. April took care of that before she left.

Den hadn't had anything to eat before we left at 12:30 and said he'd make some soup later on.
(he said he had an italian sub last night and it was goood!)

He was very tired and just wanted to go to bed.
April had changed his bed sheets cause Den said he was really sweating last night for some reason. He thinks it's the morphine.

He also took morphine while we were there about 11am and let his cat Charlie sit on his lap (which I haven't seen happen in some time)

He mentioned he'd like to have the day to himself tomorrow. April said she'd call him later in case he needed anything.
Otherwise we will see him on Sunday.

Overall, there are several positives with today's visit.
I'm not sure if this should concern us where almost all of the time that is not the case.
But I do know it made me feel really good to not see the pained face he often wears.

Please continue to pray for Den!

Today was a tough day for Den~

He wasn't able to go to K-mart or anywhere... except up to his bed :(

I got there at 9:35, April right behind me, Diane was inside already.
Den was on the couch with a tee-shirt on, jeans and his sneakers on.
(I think maybe he was hoping to go out)
He had his left leg up on the chair, a blanket over him and his head leaning back propped up on a folded blanket.

He didn't look good at all today. April said worse than yesterday.
He told Diane that he felt very dizzy this morning and still does, even while sitting down. That it was bad while trying to shower.

He held the palms of his hands near the side of his head around his eyes...moved his hands in a circular motion and said "something isn't right, the left side is worse, like something is off.. then he said what's that called, um um ... vertigo"
Diane said when he's laying down to try and sit up slowly, then slowly stand up. When he showers don't take really hot showers (which he said he did). When doing that, it can lower the blood pressure and cause dizziness.
Den said "No, I don't think it's that"

He asked Diane to order him a shower chair and it did come before April and I left today.
For him to do that, there's no doubt he's admitting he's much weaker.

What pains him most is his left leg, you can see the pain in his face as he talks about it. He says "the hip, the knee and the side of his shin is really bad". That when laying down and if his 2 knees touch it's very painful.
He also says the lump on the inside of his groin hurts a lot as well.

She said because of the dizziness she's not raising the dosage on the Fentanyl patch but did on the morphine and ativan.
He said he's been very tense - she said the ativan will help ease that, will help put his mind at ease to help him relax.
As she's changing the Fentanyl patch to his right arm (she alternates arms)she's says he will probably just want to sleep later on.

She also comments on a cancer spot on the upper arm.. is that a new one?
He said no, I noticed it a few days ago.
He has many that are noticeable. (I wonder how many aren't, yet I really don't want to know.)
There is one on the left side of his temple that is growing rapidly.
I'm guessing about 3-4 weeks ago I 1st noticed it, it is now dime size.

His blood pressure was a little lower 102/58...oxygen 98%
She recommends drinking the Ensures cause he needs the nutrients.
I ask Den in front of Diane..."Den, would you like someone to stay with you now"
As he's shaking his head no, Diane speaks up and says she had the opportunity to witness Den go up and down his basement stairs a few minutes earlier as he went to do laundry (can you believe it!!)
She said he seemed steady and took his time, that she thinks he'll be fine til Friday and she will assess that issue then.
She now will come Mon-Wed-Fri

I very much want it to be as Den wants but I don't mind saying I am very nervous with him being alone as each day passes. If you could see him... he's so frail !! :((
He also said Charlie (his cat) was on the stair last night and he stepped on him. That doesn't make me feel good to hear that either.
Den did say that the neighbor keeps their outside light on all night and it lights up the downstairs enough for him to see, that he'll be okay.

He mentioned to Diane that he was waiting for a book to come in the mail and was hoping it was today. She asked what the name was, he said Red Mafia. She said oh, I think I saw that before. He said probably not, it's rare, hard to find. She says again.. no, I think I saw it in someone's house before, is it about Russians...Den perked up like he couldn't believe his ears..she knew a little about it. He was impressed. They talked a little about it between them.
He said he got it from a private dealer off of Amazon and he wants to read it (I was surprised to hear that, yet happy...I didn't think he could focus on reading any more)

We also talked some about the quarries and the fun the boys have had over the years up there. Diane says her boys do target shooting...so that conversation goes on for a few minutes.
Diane is a very nice caring person. She's a perfect nurse for Den.

Right after Diane leaves, Den says to April and I...I need you 2 to run some errands for me. We were gone a couple hours and it was very nice to have some time to talk to April. I really worry about her but she knows we're all here for her and her family, always.
Before leaving Den, she is upstairs alone with him, getting him all set for us to leave him for errands.
He also wants a pizza from papa gino's. He ate 2 pieces when we got back but upstairs. I was concerned about the cheese bothering him cause the lasagna bothered him the other day.
He did tell Diane he only eats once a day now, that he really has no appetite.

April and the boys are going to visit tomorrow. He's looking forward to seeing them. I hope he's able to follow through with that.
It is his birthday, but Den has never really been big on that so we all are going to do as we always have, nothing, just another day (but will get him scratch tickets)
He said Dick is coming later in the day. I asked if all the boys were and he said he didn't remember what Dick said.

It was also said when the time comes. he not only does not want music played for him, he wants NO pictures at all.
And we will respect that.

I had asked April the other day if she has told her Dad that it's okay, that he can go and not to worry. She did that today privately.
Before I left at 3:15, I was upstairs alone with him and I as well told him that it's okay as well. I told him we will all watch out for April and the boys. I looked him right in the eye, he turned his head and said, I know she'll be okay.

It's so heartbreaking, so unfair!
He did receive the flowers and card yesterday. Thank you 2 for that! He was also happy to hear that everyone has him in their thoughts and prayers.

On behalf of our family....we all very much appreciate all of you!

Nancy and I arrived at Den's a little before 1pm. Barbara was right behind us within minutes. April was already there.

She got there early cause she called the hospice nurse about Den's pain level which resulted in Diane having to come out this morning.
(usually it's tues/thurs)

She increased the Fentanyl patch up to 75 from 50 to make him more comfortable regarding the pain. She is coming tomorrow morning and is suppose to increase it again to 100. The fentanyl patch can go up to 150, then it's the morphine IV drip...my understanding is that is the last resort for pain.
April said his blood pressure and oxygen level was about the same as last Thursday's visit 102/62 (was 102/60) 94-95% (was 96%)

Diane felt he was okay for tonight to be alone again.
Tomorrow that may change to round the clock care (or just someone there at all times)
It is going to be on Den's terms as long as he can have control of that, one which is, he wants to be left alone.

Den was upstairs when we got there and only came down once for a few minutes to use the bathroom. Nancy went up 1st, I talked with April.
Nancy came down and said he wants me to go up.

When I go up, my heart just breaks for him. It's not easy to keep your composure. He looks that bad! Extremely thin, so frail! I kiss him and he puts his hand out for mine, we hold hands for a few minutes and just small talk. We look at each and smile.

He is on the bed clothed and has his sneakers on. He is laying on a heating blanket. He is very soft spoken, sometimes you have to get close to him to hear him, it's like his voice drifts to a softer tone as he talks sometimes.

Barb comes in and goes right to Den and same thing, he puts his hand out for her. He's talking to her and she has to turn her head cause she's trying hard to keep it together. It's sooo hard to see Den like this!

I just don't understand why he has to go through this, why can't it just be over for him, why does his life have to end this way!

He wants to eat Italian food for lunch and has April order from LaScala? down the street. He wants to buy all of us lunch.
He gets lasagna and sausage and eats half the lasagna and 1 sausage.
April cut it up for him so it was easier for him to eat. He ate in his bed. Said he may eat the rest tomorrow.

He slept for a while after that. Barb had to leave and Nancy, April and I talked for a while down stairs. Den came down around 4pm to use the bathroom. How he can move around without any assistance is absolutely unbelievable!
He just amazes all of us!

Every day I say, how lucky are we to have been able to have someone like Den in our life! I'm so thankful for him!
I'll be going back in the morning. Diane is coming at 10:30

It was a very scary and emotional day!

No one had heard from Den, including April which was very frightening as he always calls April in the mornings.
All four of us girls had called him at separate times but got no answer.

April called me around 1ish and asked to meet her at Dens' cause we both had a really bad feeling.
I told April, if you get there before me, wait outside for me unless she hears from her Dad prior.
We get there around 1:30 and go in with April's key.
There was no sign that he was up.

April calls for him from the bottom of the stairs, no answer.
We both quietly and fearfully proceed up the stairs. She again calls for her Dad. After the 3rd or 4th time we hear a groan.
She goes into his bedroom, I go downstairs to wait.

I prayed for it to be over for him all the way to his house. It's so hard to see him suffering. It's incredibly sad!
Both April and I were scared out of our minds. When she came down, she just broke down, the poor thing. Our hearts break for her!

April said he wants something to eat. He had gotten a small boneless smoked shoulder the other day when he went to BJ's, so he wanted some of that and some peas.

She said Den said I can go up to see him. When I got in his room, he was partially sitting up without a shirt on and under the covers.
What I 1st noticed what how extremely frail he is. Very frail! Tiny!
When he's downstairs he has a shirt on and a sweatshirt and usually covered with a blanket so it disguises just how much the cancer has taken him over.
I tried hard not to show my shock and just made small talk. Sometimes it's hard to make conversation cause it's way past how you doing, what did you do today.

He was very quiet. I told him we were very concerned for him today and he said, "I'm just really tired".
He said he did get up early morning to put the trash out and then went back up to bed. The strength and determination this man has, I just can not get over it. Things that others can do for him, he just won't have it!

He said he is most comfortable in his own bed. I pressed on his mattress (foam top) and said oh I can see why! It felt comfy.
He then says, Cheryl you smell funny..I say I do? lol
I then start smelling my sleeves lol.
I say I don't smell anything, is it a bad smell lol
He says it's a medicine smell. All I could think of is a mint I had in my mouth. It was that and obviously, his sense of smell is off :(

He said he's going to lay there for a while and will be down soon.
When I got downstairs April asked me if I saw the "black spot on his chest".
I was really surprised to hear that cause I had no idea.
I said I didn't see it cause he must of had it covered up.
She said he has a couple that are good sized and just keep growing. My heart sank. How much worse can it and will it get for him!

He needed the Fentanyl patch changed so April took care of that for him. He was 5 hours late on that. She said he had the Ativan so he could eat without getting nausea. It also makes him tired which I saw soon after he ate.
He did eat about a saucer full of meat and peas. April got him all set and then went to 4 o'clock Mass.
I stayed with Den and he was very quiet. A movie was on, lights were out and he was in and out, closing and opening his eyes.
All I said was, Den you comfortable (yes)...can I get you anything (no).
he said after awhile, Cheryl you can turn the light on, I said it's okay and he asked me to turn the heat down.
This is something that's been going on a couple days now, he's hot and cold.
The blanket comes off, he wants the window opened.

April gets back, then Barbara comes. Den sits up and chats some, has a cigarette, and takes morphine at 5:30.

At 6:30 he says, well I'm going to have another cigarette and then go to bed..We all giggle and say how polite he is...but that was our cue, time to go.

Nancy had mailed him a letter and some scratch tickets, he opened that while he and April were still in the room and Barbara and I in the kitchen. April called Nancy on her way home to tell her Den had a smile on his face while reading it.

It was planned for Sunday to have family time only. April, Mike and his grandsons to go over for a short visit. He didn't want anyone else there.

I have a little story to share about Den and his dislike of having his picture taken...

Many years ago, while living with some of my brothers at our Nana's house in Quincy, it was ritual for the guys to get together almost every weekend. Saturdays to plan strategy and plant bombs,lol and Sundays to play "Army in the Quarries." Boy did they really enjoy that!!! : )

I would always have a big dinner ready for them after their day of antics in the woods. Well, one Sunday, I asked Den if I could go with them while dinner was cooking and take pictures. He said, "sure, but we're gonna shoot ya!" In disbelief and shock, I replied, "WHAT? You can't shoot me, I don't have a gun!"
In that calm and soothing voice of his, he comments...."You're right, you don't have a gun, but you'll be shooting a camera...so, we can shoot ya." LOL
I'm thinking to myself, "Are you kidding me?" Knowing the answer to that question. I guess it's needless to say that I never went to the quarries with my brothers and I believe that there aren't any pictures of them having their fun!!

I did immensely enjoy all the laughter we shared while they filled their bellies and told the tales of their day. What wonderful memories we have!!!

Today was a very surprising day!

I arrived at Den's around 9:40. April and the nurse were there already and just getting started.
I was so happy to see Den! He looked no different except seemed a little more frail to me than Tuesday.

Everything stayed the same as far as the meds.
Diane changed the fentanyl patch and said to change it again on Saturday.
Within 10 minutes Den said "I can feel it working"

He commented how "skinny his arms and legs are".
He said he felt "okay" and had slept 6 hours straight last night.. which hasn't occured in some time..
He said all he ate was "some beans" yesterday. That he doesn't have an appetite at all, but
today he had 3 pieces of raisin toast and scrambled eggs and a small juice around 2pm.

His blood pressure was lower than Tues. 102/60.
Oxygen level was lower as well, 96% from 100%

He was sitting in his usual spot on the couch and had his legs up on a kitchen chair with pillows under his legs.
I commented about getting a hassock for him and he said "no need for only a month"
Heat was on, window opened.
He had a sweatshirt on and blanket over him as well.

It was a pretty quick nurse visit.
Diane had said if there is any problem over the weekend as far as a question or concern, April can call her cell (she isn't on call though if Den needs physical assistance)
Den said, oh no, we won't bother you.
But then Diane said again to April that's why I gave you my cell number.
Den jokingly says...."ooooooooh Diannneee, why is my dad's tongue hanging out of his mouth?"
We slightly chuckle with him but I wondered why he said that??

Then I had to leave for a couple doctor appointments.
While at the appoinment, Barb calls me and says she just talked to April and your not going to believe it!
Den is out at BJ's with April..I was shocked!
He hasn't had the energy to leave his house for 15 days!

Immmediately, we're saying...is this a sign?
In the Gone From Sight booklet it says under the category of days or hours for possible signs
" surge of energy, decrease in blood pressure".
also an intensification of the one to two week signs which includes a couple of the signs we've already been seeing as "agitation, body temp:hot, cold..sleeping but responding, not eating, taking in little fluids, skin color changes (his fingers from the knuckles to the nails are a pale color at times, not the same as the rest of his hand)
I noticed that starting a couple days ago.
You can't see his toes because he always has socks on but I wonder if it is the same..

I call April and it's hard for her to talk cause her dad is right there. When I arrive back at the house around 1:45 we talk in the kitchen while she's making the eggs.
She says she's scared, she thinks it's soon. When at BJ's he wanted to push the cart, she thought for stability and when he would slow down she'd try to guide him by holding onto the front of the cart but he kept saying, I got it.
She thought it took a lot out of him

He also wanted to go to the cemetary. April said when they got there she told him, dad i'll give you some privavcy but he said no, you come too. April said he was "talking to the stone" but actually to her mother, one of the things he said was "I'll be with you real soon" :((

April and I left around 2:15, he wanted to nap. Dick was coming by to spend time with him.
He wants me to call around 11am before coming tomorrow, which I will do. Hopefully he'll feel up to company other than April.

-----I'd like to say something, especially to the family-----
There's something about that poem that touched me.

I was thinking about it all last night, rereading it many times over as well as having anxiety for Den and what he's going through.
All of a sudden I have this peace come over me and it hits me....that last sentence in the poem.."there are other eyes watching, other voices ready to take up the glad shout" and in Den's case...the shout of "Here he comes!"
I realize that it's okay, everything will be okay as Den said right from the start when he told me of his fate....

Although I understand some may have different views....
My view is....Our mother has been away from her children for 36 long years.
I have tremendous solace in knowing that will come to an end now for her and that Den will not be alone!
Certainly, this will absolutely not take away our sadness, our grief and the fact that our family will never be the same without Den.
But please try to keep that thought with you as the days approach for Den to leave us. And keep Den's words with you...it really will be all okay!!

Continue to pray for Den!
I love you all!