I lost my dad too on july 16 2006 to brain cancer he was 59, every day is a struggle for me as well, he was the glue in our family he kept everyone together and in line, i loved my father he was my best friend, we would talk to each other every morning, not a day went by where i didnt talk to him. he was the kind of dad that would call to make sure you were ok after coming down with the flu, he was also the kind of dad that would take care of you no matter how old you were. when he was diagnosed around jan 06 it was the most devastating time of my life, it was like a nightmare i couldnt wake up from, my father the strongest man i ever knew or will know was now fighting for his life, he was in and out of chemo and radiation he went from looking like a good looking healthy 59 year old man to a very aged brittle looking man, i couldnt believe this was happening to my family, the dr's decided to surgerically implant a chemo pump in his brain to get the medicine to the brain lining after surgery he didnt wake up he had a brain infection and the dr's told us he most likely would not wake up, i sat at his bedside for 2 days holding his hand i remember praing to god over and over not to take him and that i would take his place, my father woke up 2 days later but he woke up very different, he now struggled to walk and talk he was in the hospital for 2 months recovering, he got to the point where he could talk bu could not walk without a walker, he had physical rehab everyday i would push him in the wheelchair and then he would take off racing me down the hall (he loved nascar). the next 2 months went downhill, it seemed like everyday he was goingto the er by ambulance he would say he felt drunk and slurred his words we knew this was bad and this would prompt us to call 911, the final time i came from work right when i got the call i was greeted in front of the hospital by my family and the dr (my mom worked at the hospital so we knew the dr's) i had that feeling when i saw them all waiting and i was very hesitant to get out of the car, the dr told us we need to talk in the family room, i knew this was not good. dr jill told us that basically we have reached the point where they could not help we should now think of comfort care for him, i had to take a step back and think of what i just heard, at that point i became so angry it was like being asked to just give up the cancer won, well this was not something i was going to accept, i will not allow him or my family to just roll over and call it quits, i demanded that he be brought to boston to dana farber institute, that 2 hour wait was terrible i sat in the glass enclosed room with him, i did not know what to say to him for the first time in my life, while i sat there with him i had a flashback and remembered sitting through his chemo session with him it was about a 8 hour session he was in and out of sleep and i was reading all of a sudden i heard a burp a loud one from him, i looked at him he looked at me and we both started laughing that was a great memory laughing with my dad at one of the worst times in our lives...all of a sudden dr jill came in and said they had a spot for him and were waiting,we are from the ludlow mass area so boston was about a 21/2 hour ride,they wanted to fly him but because the tumor in his brain could not i think he was relieved as he is afraid to fly, he went by ambulance and us by car. we got to bringham and womans hospital a few hours later they brought him to the room,they looked him over and told us about a chemo pill specifically for brain tumors they also said surgery may be an option but it is a risky procedure as it involves the cerebellum the part of your brain that allows you to talk and all other motion fuctions,but my dad with his low almost whispering voice told the dr that was very important to him with tears in his eyes after witnessing this i started to choke back tars but i did not want my dad to see me cry and upset him more, a couple weeks went by as he was getting sicker, the dr's were trying to get him back to spfld,mass to start this pill while he was in weldon a rehabilitation center where he was before to be monitored while on this pill. we called his oncologist to get everything set up.his regular oncologist was away on a mission and his partner was now refusing to do this and would only agree to comfort care, i couldnt believe this how could he deny us this we were desperate,this was monday he was supposed to be on his way back home to start this new pill instead we fought and pleaded and begged this dr for 3 days to let my dad go into weldon to start this new form of chemo and he kept denying it and instead telling my mother she was out of control (how on earth is this man a dr how is he an oncologist of all things you are sup[posed to fight for your patients) on friday a partner of both the drs agreed to start him on this pill and signed the orders to have him go into weldon, we were so happy and couldnt wait to see him,while we were waiting we recieved a call from the dr in boston my mom was talking to him and all of a sudden she started to cry i walked over and could hear the dr asking my mom if we want to recesitate in the ambulance if he codes this was a hard blow and i told my mom they just have to ask that not realizing how bad his health declined in the days that passed i talked to him every day while he was in the hospital and i did notice he was sounding weaker each passing day but i denied this i did not want to believe this, we were all at the hospital waiting5 hours went by and the ambulance still wasnt coming, come to find out the ambulance drivers got half way home and had to turn around as they left the charts and paperwork in boston, he finally got back around 9 pm friday evening they pulled the stretcher out of the ambulance and there was my dad i will never forget this he was sitting upright with his hands folded behind his head with his hat on and greeted us with a smile we all hugged him and told him we loved him so much. we got him to his room and settled him in, we wanted him to get his rest before starting this new chemo, my brother sister and mom all kissed him and said goodnight we will be there first thing in the am. i walked up to him kissed him on the cheek and told him i would be there right away in the morning he smiled and told me he loved me, we never said good bye or ended a phone conversation without a kiss and we always told each other love you this is how my family is. i was awakened the next morning around 7 am my mom got to the hospital and he would not wake up, he slipped into a coma in the early morning, i didnt understand i just saw him the night before, for the next 24 hourswe stayed there my whole family,family friend and relatives came through out the day to visit , and as dr's told us to say our goodbyes. i believed he would wake up,we jumped over this hurdle before why not again,why would god give us only 2 months from the last time they told us he wouldnt make it just to take him from us why? i would talk to him and tickle his feet to try to wake him up. then that sat night my mom sent me home for some sleep, i left the hospital at 11 pm got home and sat down and my phone rang it was my mom telling me to get to the hospital dad was not doing well, (at this point we didnt have him on lifesupport but only morphine for pain as he did not want to be hooked to machines he was still breathing on his own) i got to the hospital at 12:15 am,took the elevator up where my brother was standing and crying, my father took his last breathe at 12:00 am exactly,this i could not process my body went numb i was so numb i couldnt cry i couldnt talk i could not do anything i was standing there frozen. as i write this it will be 2 years exactly 7/16 life has not got easier the pain has not subsided,everytime i think of him or see something that reminds me of him i cry, the night of the wake my cell phone beeped and said i had a message, i listened to the message and heard my fathers voice it was a voicemail he left me 3 months earlier calling to make sure i was feeling better and to say he loved me, that was my sign to tell me he was ok, going back to the night he came back from boston when he got out of the ambulance,how i could not figure why after i just saw him and thought he was doing ok and then just slipping into a coma,well what i believe is he was waiting ,he was waiting to see all of us before departing,this was just how my dad was.That was my dad.