Nicole AnnMarie Zilka Tribute

                  Nicole

Never say never your motto this should have been
Inspiring and an example to all who called you friend.
Curious and friendly a stranger you never met.
Outgoing and persevering these traits we won't forget.
Loving to all and much loved by all you knew.
Ever in our hearts you are, for none can ever forget you.

By: Deborah A. Zilka©12/2003

A little over 27 years ago I recieved news I thought I would never hear. A miracle was on her way. I was a mother of 2 boys and I had been told years before that without help I would never have any more. When I first suspected I was pregnant I was scared to get my hopes up.

I tried hard to resist jumping to conclusions and went to the doctor. He gave me a pregnancy test and said to call for the results in a few days. Boy did those days drag!!

To this day I can remember so very clearly everything surrounding that day and making that phone call. I can remember sitting on a bar stool trembling as the nurse got the report to read to me. I can remember her words," Mrs. Zilka your test was positive!" I remember a feeling of shock and freezing up until somehow managing to stammer, "Did you say positive?" She said yes, and said, I'm sorry is this bad news? I remember stammering no, you don't understand this is wonderful! I'm not supposed to be able to get pregnant! This is a miracle!

Nikki was born way too early so the miracle's were continuing. She was resuscitated at birth and although only 1 lb. 13 oz's and 13 inches long. She showed her determination even then which got her through bad skin problems, apnea, jaundice, multiple spinal taps due to the IV slipping in her head, as well exploritory surgery of her stomach at 3 months old while only weighing 3-3 1/2 lbs. The IV that slipped in her head at 3 weeks old left her with CP but it never stopped her. She was never our handicapped daughter Nicole. She was our lovely Nicole who happened to be handicapped. We raised her with that idea. Always encouraging her to try anything she chose and never telling her "you can't do that" or you'll never do that. It really worked as she never quit progressing and went much further than doctors ever thought she would.

Her middle name was spelled the way it was on purpose in honor of her Mother, and three maternal grandmother's. They are as follows: Mother, Deborah Ann, Grandmother, Barbara Ann, Great Grandmother Jessie Marie, and Great Great Grandmother Annie Jane. Her Grandmother's were all strong and determined women and through out Nikki's short life she showed the same strength and determination.

She had an Angelic quality about her from the start and it remained with her throughout her life. She tended to attract people and went through her life making friends were ever she went. Even in ordinary activities like grocery shopping she made friends with the store employees. At one store it was a guard and a cashier. Both of whom made a point of talking to her when ever she came in. In another store it was a stock clerk who took her under her wing. She found out that Nikki "Loved" fried chicken TV dinners but they were often out of them. There after she "hid" some so if we came in and none were there she would go get one out of hiding! lol!

The love, compassion, spirit and determination she showed was so inspiring through out her brief life and I believe it lives on. My Angel's body may be gone but that precious spirit that was her continues to touch lives to this very day. I started writing about her from the day we lost her and continue to this very day. The following is a poem I wrote about her last year. I titled it We Will Never Be Apart because I truly believe she is with me every second of everyday. Following it are a few other's that I have wrote

We Will Never Be Apart

                                     In my mind I'm seeing you, 
                                        so beautiful and sweet.
                             You stand right here in front of me,
                                             a visionary treat.
                                        Memories in my mind
                                          can never be erased.
                                  Precious times always there
                                       to be lovingly retraced.

                                 In my dreams you come to me,
                                      together now once more.
                                 Dreams that seem so heavenly,
                                         with an angel I adore.
                             I take your hand, I stroke your hair
                                      on your brow place a kiss.
                               Dreams that mean so much to me
                                     for with them there is bliss.

                                        In my heart you live on,
                                        perfect and always there.
                                    Untouched by time, together,
                                          our memories we share.
                                   Here in my heart you are safe,
                                              you never go away.
                                    Lovingly here still with me,
                                  in my heart you'll always stay.

                                   In these ways we're together,
                                            and will forever be.
                                         Memories I'll treasure,
                               for thru them you're still with me.
                                       In these ways you live on,
                                   in my mind, dreams and heart.
                                     Through the years together,
                                          we will never be apart.

                                                       By: Deborah A. Zilka©06/22/2007

She Was Reborn In Heaven


How can I explain to you
how I feel deep inside.
How can I express a pain
that I cannot always hide.

You say to me the time has come,
you really should try to go on.
I say to you, you just can't get it,
unless a child of yours is gone.

It's a pain that's always with you,
and never seems to go away.
It causes your life to divide
into now and before that day.

Yes, your total outlook on life,
seems so different from before.
For you now have had to say good-bye
to your child whom you do adore.

I know she's now whole in Heaven,
and for her sake this makes me glad.
But I can't help that I miss her,
so I often still feel so sad.

As I approach this time of year,
will you please try to understand.
The pain and hurt that I still feel,
can't be turned off on command.

Don't tell me I must keep busy,
or how I should handle it.
Don't tell me you understand,
until you've been where I now sit.

Don't tell me I've got more children.
No child can replace another.
Don't tell me to get rid of her stuff.
I'm really not ready to bother.

Please share with me my memories,
for to me they are oh so dear.
And hold me if I need to cry,
let me know that for me you're here

So please treat me with gentle love,
and remember on my birthday.
It's a day that I now share with her,
she was reborn in Heaven that day.

                                                        By: Deborah A. Zilka©07/20/2007

Roses From Heaven

I dedicate this poem to My Angel who I believe sent it to me.

My Darling I believe this poem was your Happy Birthday to me my Darling Daughter so I will say here Happy Heavenly Birthday My Sweet Angel! Love, Mom

Roses a sign of love,
from an Angel of mine.
Roses she sends to me,
so I know she's just fine.
Roses in reds and pinks,
she has sent from the start.
Roses to remind me,
we're never far apart.

                              They border her frame,
                         to let me know she's not gone.
                               A sign that an Angel,
                             does truly still live on.
                    On her guestbook and bookshelves,
                              I can see them there.
                       They remind me she's waiting,
                            and not going anywhere.

                           They come to me on cards,
                           on clocks and gift's I love!
                             To me there is no doubt,
                        they're from Heaven up above.
                            Yes, there up in Heaven,
                          her again I'll someday see.
                        'Til then she'll take my tears,
                             and grow roses for me. 

                                              By: Deborah A. Zilka©08/07/2007

Author's Comment's:
I dedicated this poem the way I did
for several special reasons.
First, we lost her on my birthday and in a message from her I was told it was OK that we now shared a birthday. I try to look at it that way so it became both my birthday and her Heavenly Birthday.
Second I couldn't sleep last night and at about 9:45AM I finally felt like I might be able to nap. I got ready to lay down and just as I started to lay down the opening words to this poem came to me. I got a note pad intending on writing some notes so I could work on it later. As I started writing the words flowed faster and faster until I suddenly realized I hadn't wrote notes for a poem. I had wrote the poem. Reading it tears formed as I suddenly looked at the clock and realized it was exactly four years to the hour since my Angel last came home to me from camp to spend what would be her final hours with us. And last of all every word here is true. I didn't realize it but even prior to her loss roses were starting to surround me in her things. The day after we lost her I got a picture frame with pink roses on it. That first week I got over a dozen roses on items from various people plus almost every arrangement for her service had roses. Since that day they they continue to arrive. Usually when I need them the most. I believe this poem is another
"Rose" from my Angel!