I can't believe my little one is gone. He was born at 38 wks and 5 days old. Weighing 7lb 3oz. His name is Robert(Robbie) Richard Dale Hope. His due date was April 5th.
There was so many complications with my pregnancy. First was the RH negative factor. Many ultrasounds and many bld tests and many visits to Fetal Assessment Floor at the IWK. He was growing slowly .
Many visits, he began to grow and grow.At first they thought they may have to take him through C-Section March 7th because the blood levels were high.They would had to give him a transfusion and in hosp for a bit under the light because of Jaundice.I wish they had of took him on that day, I would be able to hold my son in my arms.
Weeks went by and he was doing good. Growing fast and the levels were reasonable. By, March 20th, I wasn't feeling so great. My husband was out of town on business and I was on bed rest till my Routine check-up and the Dr was going to swipe my membranes on March 26th.
By Easter, I was tried and the baby was not kicking as he normally does. I felt scared. I would drink juice. That helped a little. Wednesday I was so tried and sick. My bld pressure was up and my feet were swollen more and more. (I had trouble with my blood pressure in last weeks of son's death). It began to get worse and we headed to Drs. She took the Doppler for twenty minutes trying to find a heart beat , but nothing. I was worried and there was a feeling in my gut , he passed away. My protiens were high and so was my bld pressure. She weighed me again and I gained 11 lbs in 6 days. That was bad!
She told us to go to hosp. It was a long trip this time. It felt like enternity. The nurses and Drs got the Ultrasound machine out and checked for a heart beat. There wasn't anthing.I screamed !!!!"No not my baby!!!!".
From there, they put me on meds for my high bld pressure and started my labour . They started from 6-7pm and I had him 1318 on March 27th. I was very ill at the time of giving birth. They put me on some IV drug to help my blood pressure. I had a fever and was vomiting and nausea the whole night. Nothing could stop the fever and the shakes. By late afternoon, I had Robbie. He was soo beautiful. He looked so much like his sister.
We got pictures done and a memory box made up from the Nurses. I was in the hosp for 4 days after the baby.I couldn't put my heart to opening the box. It hurt too much. In time we opened it. Monday night,right after we looked at his photos.
After funeral April1 st, I ened up in Emerg with bld pressure of 210/110. I was rushed in the Ambulance to IWK. I was in the hosp for another 4 days till my blood pressure was under control. It has been a rough battle with my physical health as well as my mental health.
My heart has been going through such a roller coaster of emotions.I'm surprised I lived to tell my story.I'm blessed I have the oportunity to do so. Maybe my life will help other with the simliar experiences and loss .
We recieved are autopsy report in 4 wks, which I'm not surprised. A lot of people looking for answers ,wait weeks or months or never.I guess I was the lucky one to find out what had happen to my baby Robbie. It wasn't my fault.I did blame myself through the last 4 week.I know now, it wasn't my fault.
His cord was abnormally long, as well as the placenta. The cord was 75 cm, when it should've been shorter. Cord tied -true knott and after he passed the placenta torn and bleed, causing my bld pressure to raise out of control.
One week later , after the reports , his picutres came in. It was such a sad day. I lost all memory of what he looked like. He looked perfect!A perfect child,who couldn've had a perfect life.I try not to dwell on it too much so I don't get too upset and bring my blood pressure up.My body is healing slowly. I have many appts to see many drs and speicalist. I know I'm taking care of me and loving me again.I need to nuture the side I have been putting on the side burner.
At night , I think I still have Robbie ,but I realize when I wake up, he is not in that basinet.
It is not right! I'm angry and sad and happy and angry. Feeling bad if I had a good day.I know in time, I will get through this. I have many friends and many groups that are helping me get through this.Without them, I couldn't make it. I thank you all!I thank my group, I go to every Wednesday, has made me strong and I'm not the only one out there.I feel a family.
A learned a lot from the loss of my son. Life is presious.
Love the ones in your life and love them with all your heart.Life is too short.Tell them you love them everyday. I do now, more than ever did.I also have a new found respect for my mum. Thank you mom! I love you so much. You hold Jeff together,while I was in the hosp. You showed me another side of you that I haven't seen since I was 5 years old.
Robbie brought all of us together in his death.
Mother's Day was heart breaking at church but I got through it.I went to your graveside but your stone is still not there yet. I still put down flowers and a butterfly which I found this meaning on a site and it decribes it Symbolism.

"The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death. "

Thank you........

I'm so grateful for Glen and Peggy Lucas for showing up at the hosp short notice to come in and pray for me. Your prayers help me get through my delievery.I felt all thoses prayers that night after Robbie Left me.It was an erie feeling. I was in the bathroom and I turned and I looked to the door and I felt a touch or hand going around my shoulders. I know it was something special.
I see Elaina sometimes playing on the floor talking to someone. I ask her ,"Elaina, who are talking to?" She replies,"That little boy". Brings chills to my spine. I know it's you Robbie.I feel you around me and protecting your sissy. We miss you little man, we miss you.


I loved you Robbie but God loved you more.
Rest in peace my little man. Rest with your Angel family.

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