Jedi Franz Pocky (Chen Po Chen) Tribute

Pocky, I never expected this - after all these years. I even googled your name and I only found old sites of yours dating back to 03. And I assumed you were okay, even when I didn't find your name on the forum - I thought you had taken a hiatus like me, but that you were still amongst us, the living, just somewhere in Singapore, doing what we all do. And then I happened to come across a thread about TFers who died and your name was there. I was so sure it was a mistake, I even posted to ask someone to confirm the news and to ask what had happened to you but by the time I got to the end of the thread, I saw the post by Airlie with a link to this page. Oh Pocky, to find you dead after all these years apart and all this time. U were so encouraging and friendly, esp through the darkest days of my ED, I remember your love of music, and how you followed my blog, my life closely - you cared when I was down, you bothered about me, and I, you. And, now, you are gone. Such a sweet intelligent friend, gone too soon. May you find peace and be at peace my dear friend. I will always remember you, and remember you in my prayers.

49th day today and my birthday too. I hope you're doing great up there. Weird to know you're not here. So weird. But hey - i'll see you someday up there. At least you'll look younger :P

haiz... missing you babez...

I hate weekend without you.
There is absolutely nothing to look forward to.
And I hate driving alone.
I hate coming back to an empty home.
I hate waking up in an empty bed,
Missing someone who used to occupy the space.
And I hate watching movie with someone else. Really,
I rather watch it by myself.

No I don't miss your companionship.
These days, I have people occupy almost my every minute.
What I miss is you,
the very thing you say, the very thing you do.
I think of you with my every breath.
It's been many days since we last met.
And I hope you're doing fine.
I hope the life you live is better than what you've left behind.
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I wrote this for Pocky on the night of November 23rd, a couple of weeks after she had left KL for good. I think I am going to feel exactly the same over and over again.

She wrote it on Dec/29. She was in the severe pain and holiday depression.
reading it again.. still makes me cry.
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ur fuckin cloud

there is a castle on a fuckin cloud
i like to go there in my sleep
aint got no tears for me to weep
thats when i drink just all about.

there is a room that's full of joy,
there are a pretty girl and boys,
nobody shouts or talks too loud,
not in my castle on a cloud.

there is a lady all in white,
holds me and sings a lullaby,
she's nice to see and she's damn good to touch,
she says "pocky, I love you very much."

i want a place where i aint lost,
i need a place where i wont cry,
crying at all is not allowed,
not in my castle on a cloud.

People say 美人薄命. Talented people tend to die young It is so true for Pocky. Pocky just joined the genius who left us too early.

I don't think I can say everything I want to say. I have too many and too intense memories with her.
Some people say that we should celebrate her life instead of mourning her death. Can I? I have many memories I can't get from anybody else in the world. I can surely cherish those memories and celebrate the time she was with me. However, can I really celebrate her life? After I heard about her struggling in life between 2004 and 2006, after she told me the struggling in regret, desperate justification, and denial in tears, how can I celebrate her life. After I heard and found out why she doesn't believe in love, and the situation that the love pushes herself into, how can I ever celebrate her life. I surely cannot celebrate her multifaceted life especially after I observed, and desperately tried to share her recent struggling caused by her leg injury.

I am not sure I am in the biggest grief or fieriest anger in my life.
Even with all the struggling in her life, she was about turning her life around.
Her physical pain made her depression worse. However, the fact is she was trying to plan for her new life, something she can truly celebrate. She had many detailed plans after her surgery. I never have seen she was that sincere toward her own life in our short year long relationship. She was about to contact NUS to find out a way to get herself back. She was thinking about the new major in the university, and we talked about the best job for her superb talents in many things. She saw me in a very serious look when we talked about those things recently. It was just two weeks ago. I thought her physical pain and certain restriction on her side did mature her in many ways.
She fought hard. She never gave up. Recently, she had to make a choice between two kinds of unbearable pain as the painkillers for her necrosis interact with her skin problem and gave even bigger pain on her skin. She called me and cried out on Jan/12, but she tried to regain her strength on the pain.

I wanted to be a good shoulder she can lean on. However, I was not even a good ear for her when she called me on Jan/15th which was our last talk. I had to leave her for a week for my business strip. That kills me. So much exasperation and regret.

I can't celebrate her life. I do want to believe that she is in a painless world now. However, she will be in a better situation in a month or so anyway as the surgery was about to be scheduled in Feb or Mar. Her long wait for the surgery was almost over. The life she can celebrate later was about to coming back to her.

I once called her “A total package.” I found all the great things packed in her beautiful body. I am sure that I cannot meet anybody who is smarter, cleaver, wittier and prettier than her at the same time.

Pocky and I talked a lot. I missed the time we talked each other for seven hours. No matter how long we talked, our conversation never became inane from her side, though I couldn't catch up her various interest couple of times. When I talk about something she is not familiar with, she wrote down that in her small notebook. In the next day, I could meet a beautiful girl who has even more knowledge in that topic than me. She was a very fast thinker that a slow person like me never can catch up with. I could only connect her leap of thoughts long after I she cast.

Truly amazing girl.

Pocky. I really loved your total package. You do know that right? Remember? Occam's razor and Lex Parsimoniae!! You cannot explain all the things without accepting I love you. That is the simplest explanation for all the things between us. You, the Queen of Denial (yeah yeah, I do believe you are making love with Mark Anthony of the Rome now.) I will not complain for not getting your timely reply as I used to do. Just talk to me sometime whenever you feel like. Even it is once a year. I can wait. I will be patient. Yeah I know I wasn't, but now I can be. I promise. Pocky.. Please do talk to me in whatever form possible to you. You always say that you can talk to me whenever you want but I can’t talk to you whenever I want. So you can find a way to talk to me even now right? You know that I can’t annoy you with flood of SMS anymore. So please.. please find a way. I do have some crazy topic I want to talk with you.. You will be very surprised. I was even reading Kafka on the flight back to Singapore. Ah.. Pocky...Please..At least let me apologize for not having a bigger heart when we met last time. Pocky….