If you have been watching over the past week and even today. What in Gods name was that all about. I have never known such as the occurances that happened today. Just because my way of coping with your passing, was to set this up so I could talk to you. Any wonder why I wont visit, or have anything to do with those concerned? I just dont want to know because I really have nothing to say to them....

how you said what you thought even when I didnt want to hear it. I hated it at the time but I soon respected you for it. I wished I had listened to you. Dad I havent spoken to Mum in nearly two months. I guess you know that. It was over Rean making promises he couldnt keep. He was going to walk Lizzie down the aisel in replace of her dad who couldnt make it. He went back on his promise and after a private conversation with Mum who told him what I said about it, an argument erupted. If only she hadnt said any thing to him. Now I refused to speak to my "brother" and step foot in Mums house. She never came to my wedding AGAIN!! How can even you justify that? I can't. I was humiliated again. Just like my last marriage. When I needed my family the most they were never there. How can I even explain to you just how that makes me feel? Like I was never wanted, like I was a big let down to you, just because I never turned out like Darron, or Ivan or even Rean. I loved you Dad, but even you failed to notice me. The others were always your favorites, but me I was "good at 'im paper work but no good at anyting else", you said that over and over again til I knew it of by heart. No I am married, and I have your words haunting me. I need to show you I AM good at something else "other than paperwork". I wish I could speak to Mum again, but being stubborn I refuse. She needs to realise that Reans faults are far more serious that mine. She needs to realise that I am her son too. She needs to realise I need her too. But its too late Dad. She wont. If only you could let me knew Dad that everything is going to be turn out for the best before its too late for either one of us..

I need it now more than ever Dad.

Dad, I remember as a child how strong you were. how you got through the difficult times when I was a child. I remember how we used to argue, but I always respected you, I may not have shown it sadly. Dad where ever you are you may know that I am getting married. You would like Lizzie Dad. Sadly again there has been a family arguement and Mum and my brothers are not coming to my wedding. As you know I stand up for what I think is right even if it gets me into trouble and Dad it did. Rbacked out of walking Lizzie up the ailse at the last minute, and Mum made excuses for him. I reacted and that got me into trouble. He isnt coming and I I know Iv isnt coming. I havent heard from D but I suspect that he wont either. So no one apart from my niece and a cousin are coming. the happienst day of my life and nothing. Like wise before, when I needed my brothers most, they are not there. It all started by me saying " Im tired of him excuses, it is as though he hasnt forgiven me for being there when you died." I said it in an "Off the record" comment. It got back to R and he made alsorts of ridiculous threats. HE WAS IN THE WRONG!! How ever as usual M made excuses for him and I was made to look like the errant son. So much for standing up for my self. Church is no different, Im catching Hell for putting a wedding article in the paper. I got into so much hot water yesterday in Church. Dad, I so wish I has your strength, I really do. Watching over me Dad, show me the right thing to do, because for once I dont know...

I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me what to do, even when I didnt want to hear it. I need your help and advice. There were times when you told me the undedited truth when I didnt want to hear it. Looking back, as much as we argued, as much as I stubornly ignored you, Dad you were right. Now you are missing from my life, where do I go for that mans advice a Son should have from his Dad. There isnt a day that goes by when I dont miss you. I always said to my self that I would never be like you, I would never turn out like you, how ever do you know something Old Man, I am EXACTLY like you. That I deem as the greatest privelege that you could ever have left me with. As I grw to manhood, I envied the relationship that you had with mum, why cant I find that sort of relationship, that sort of loyality. I didnt Dad, from Christine to Sharon, both marriages didnt measure you to the love that you and mum had. You two stuck by each other through thick and thin. Even in the darkest of days you never lost hope. I too had my dark days, when I didnt think that I would make it.. I would always look at your picture and I always said "What would Dad do". Soon or later I found the answer. Thanks Dad.

I remember much you and Mum loved each other. How you both went through so much together, the trials and worries you had, with us kids. I remember wanting your approval so badly,that is why everything I did was to win your approval. But you made me the man I am today. If I am half the man you were then I wil be truely blessed and lucky. I am only sorry I spent two needless years away from you, time I could of had with you. You were right about my wife Dad, so right. I realised just in time how right you were. Out of all of us you chose me to die infront of. I was away from you for two years and you died infront of me. I will never forget that. I am only sorry you never got to meet my Lizzie. You would have loved her Dad. She is a younger version of Mum. I so miss you my Dad, my Hero.

Though many of life's pleasures May change from year to year, Special people never change at all Except to grow more dear. And just like cherised memories, They have a place apart, A place reserved forever, In a corner of the Heart. note - I cannot remember who wrote this poem - I learned it 35 years ago in Malta Dear Dad, you cooked the Best Sunday Dinner, baked the Yummiest Jamaican Fruit Cake, made our bellies ache with laughter, often at the same time as making our tears flow with your stubborness! Thank you for building my very first sewing worktop, of which I was so proud in our first home in Tenby Road. Thank you for helping us move into Knowle Road - such fond memories. Oh, guess what, Katrina and I have an allotment now... but I think you know that already, so send us some ideas about growing those lovely veggies that you grew in your garden. Remember our garden BBQs? Thank you for being My Dad from the moment I married your son Wilfred (Bess) - and thank you for making my coming to live in England so much easier, your advice, support, guidance, and mostly just by being there. Thank you for being patient - we know you were often hiding the pain when we as your children and children-in-law stressed you out or caused you pain. I know you loved us all and that you love us still... so I say hello, I know you are looking down at us. Oh, and you must know that I look at your photos still - how can I not? You were such a very important and very big part of my life and the life of your grandaughter Katrina, your first grandchild born in Malta. I treasure 1000s of weekend memories with you at the head of my Baillie family! I could write loads more but no need... And, finally, Katrina and I often tell our food-loving friends about Grandad Norman's Best of the Best "mouth-watering-well-done-crispy-on-the-outside-yet-wonderfully-tender-on-the-inside roast-beef-chunks" with all the trimmings. One can challenge but they will never beat it. And of course, you taught me to enjoy English gravy & sage & onion stuffing and to LOVE your version of it :-). Miss you loads. Love and Affection, Carmen xxx

Was always seeking his approval, even up to the time he died.